Forgiving and Forgetting

      We all “forgive and forget” the little things when it comes to our close friends. After a conflict with a close friend we often find ourselves able to accept their apology because we don’t want to lose that friendship over something insignificant. All our close friendships have endured a conflict of some sort, when resolving the conflict there are apologies exchanged marking the resolution. However, when we feel the apology received in insincere, there is a chance the conflict will continue.  The key to ending a conflict is when forgiveness is given in response to the apology. For close friends to move on and learn from their previous conflict forgiveness must be reciprocated, if not the conflict may continue to arise hurting the friendship and eventually ending the friendship.  If we were in conflict with our closest friend about them breaking yet another promise, we would consider they have apologized multiple times but they continue to do so. We may not feel obligated to fully forgive this friend because if they continue to break promises and give apologies that lost their sincerity over time. It is important to recognize that to receive forgiveness we must sincerely apologize and work to change what we are doing wrong.
     Effectively apologizing is hard, saying “I’m sorry” is easy. When saying sorry we should always remember to add why we are sorry. When we apologize including why we are sorry helps the other aware of exactly what we are apologizing for. Anyone can say “I’m sorry”, but when we tell the other person why the other may recognize our sincerity and ability to recognize and understand the problem.  Sincerity is key, if we are not sincere in our apology the other may feel no resolve forcing them to still fell negatively towards us [1].
    Forgiving is harder. To forgive we must recognize the others sincerity and can come to terms cognitively, emotionally, and behaviorally [2]. We must be able to mentally come to terms with the conflict and the offense committed calling for apology. If one is not able to mentally process the conflict and the others apology they are unlikely to be able to move forward. If we were emotionally hurt by our close friend we may need time to process, we often use this time to try to alter the negative feelings and relive some of that pain. Finally, we must be able to express our forgiveness behaviorally, this would be saying “I forgive you” or hugging the other. However, one study found that close friends are more likely indirectly illustrate forgiveness, this is because close friends often feel it goes without saying when forgiveness is granted [3].
 
Close friends are important to us; therefore, we work hard in our conflicts with them to prevent from losing them. Although there are times where our close friends hurt our feelings, or do something that makes us mad or upset, we almost always can do something to fix it. Friends can be there to help you heal even though they caused the pain. Friendships come with conflict, but being able to forgive and apologize when in these conflicts is essential to maintaining the friendship. Always work to effectively apologize and forgive to make conflict resolution smoother!


[1] Merolla, A. J. (2008). Communicating Forgiveness in Friendships and Dating Relationships.
Communication Studies, 59(2), 114-131. doi:10.1080/10510970802062428
[2] ibid.
[3] ibid.