B.F.F.T.R.O.O.L

Best Friends For The Rest Of Our Lives.

We all have people in our lives that we have known for a long time, or has become very close within a year. We all know who our friends are, and we know some friends are much closer than others. The friends who are most significant in your life is likely to be your best friend.  Often people have lifelong friends they met in grade school, work, college, or through mutual friends that have the potential to remain in one’s life over extended periods of time.

       Now consider one of your best friends, preferably same-sex, and think about a conflict or disagreement that recently occurred. What was it like? Who said what? What was the real problem? What was the result? Now STOP, if you thought about everything ‘THEY’ did wrong just now, I would like you to throw yourself into reverse and try it again. Think about what you did that fueled the conflict, how did you react? How did you manage the conflict? How did you contribute to resolving the issue? 

Now you have the conflict fresh in your mind, let’s get down to business.

        As you know conflict is inevitable, it happens, and the worst thing you can do is avoid it. Also, we know Best friends are our best friends for a reason, there is something about them that makes them more valuable. Therefore, when engaging in conflict with a best friend it is like being married, you are in a committed relationship where you will have to face the conflict sooner or later. The inevitability of conflict makes learning to manage it essential, especially when in conflict with someone who means a lot to you. 

        I’m going to discuss three things you can do to manage your conflict with your best friends, allowing the conflict to be resolved efficiently.

1.  Recognize how you are going to approach the conflict. Who is your friend? Are you trying to collaborate or compete with your friend? What is the conflict about? Are there emotions involved? What can you do to deescalate the conflict?

        Asking yourself these questions before engaging in conflict is necessary to manage a conflict well. When asking who your friend is, take into consideration their sex, personal values (that you know of), and think about how they engage in conflict in the past. According to research men and women use different management strategies to meet their goals. Women are likely to be more collaborative with other women but more competitive with men. Whereas men are likely to be more competitive towards other men while being more collaborative with women [1]. This poses a problem because if you and your friend are not a woman it is more likely one or both friends involved will be focused on satisfying their self-interest. Men are stereotypically more competitive than women therefore when two male friends enter a conflict it creates a power struggle and possibly physical violence. When men have female best friends, it is likely they will try to act more collaboratively considering they have more respect for women in a conflict than they do men [2]. Sex is important because it impacts the conflict management of both parties, however one must also consider the prior information they know about their best friend. If you know your friend has had a rough week, maybe you should be more understanding and try to listen to what they must say. They may be stressed but it’s important to consider what you know to be true about the person. If you know that person is likely to get aggressive or hysterical when approached you may feel the need to try to deescalate the conflict.

       2.      Listen.

          I know this is asking a lot, especially when you are in a heated conflict. Listening allows you to gather your thoughts and put into consideration what the other person is saying. If you are known to be assertive and competitive in a conflict it is likely you are not willing to take the time to listen resulting in escalation of the conflict. Listening is a big part of collaboration which should always be the goal of your conflict management. It gives both parties time to speak and be heard without interruption, productively communicating the issue and workable solutions and causes [3].  One way to listen effectively is sitting face to face, in doing so you are channeling your attention to the other person and them to you. This way you both can clearly hear each other and feel like you are being heard. Since women are more likely to use strategies of collaboration, it is more common to find women in conflict talking out their problems. In contrast men are less likely to collaborate with each other making little room for time to listen, which results in more conflict[4]. To transform conflicts from competitive to collaborative, it only takes one person to be willing to sit down and begin the listening process. By giving the other the opportunity to speak it is likely they will do the same in return allowing for clarity and understanding about the conflict.

3. Work together to reach a resolution.

          Conflicts cannot be solved by one person, naturally working together is the most effective method of handling conflict because it allows for both parties to be satisfied. When you conflict with your best friend no matter their sex or the circumstance the point of engaging in the conflict is to resolve it. Putting in the time to assess the conflict and listen to the other person puts both parties on the same page, allowing for collaboration to go more smoothly. As best friends, it is likely that both of you are willing to put your friendship as a priority over the conflict. Meaning you can recognize the value of friendship is greater than the conflict obstacle being faced. To work together you both may write down possible methods of resolving the conflict allowing each other to see what the other feels can be done. If both parties feel the conflict might not be able to be worked out on their own, they may seek guidance from a peer or individual who can act as a moderator[5]. This allows for both parties to work towards a resolution while having a support system to help maintain and manage the conflict and the resolution. The only way to work through conflict effectively with your best friend is to work together and aim for a resolution that will satisfy both parties.

          Now that I have given you these simple methods of managing conflict with your best friend, you can utilize them whenever needed. Best friends are the ones that are there for us no matter what, so it is important to nurture and maintain that relationship as much as possible. Loyal friends are hard to come by, so best friends should be held near and dear to the heart. Which means when conflict occurs one should know how to ensure they don’t lose a friend.

[1] Keener, E., Strough, J., & DiDonato, L. (2012). Gender Differences and Similarities in Strategies for Managing Conflict with Friends and Romantic Partners. Sex Roles, 67(1-2), 83-97. doi:10.1007/s11199-012-0131-9
[2] ibid.
[3] Cahn, D. D., & Abigail, R. A. (2014). Managing conflict through communication (5th ed.). Boston: Pearson.4(94-95) doi:10: 0-205-86213-6
[4] ibid. Keener & DiDanato (2012) Gender Differences and Similarities in Strategies for Managing Conflict with Friends and Romantic Partners.
[5] ibid. Chan & Abigail (2014)  Managing conflict through communication. 11(248-252)